My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
