forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
