i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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