Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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