Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
