im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
