I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
