i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
