i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
