I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
