I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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