Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
