Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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