i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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