I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
