Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
