who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
