What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
