Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
