At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
