What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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