If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
