Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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