you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
