Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
