Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
