Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
