3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
