from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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