The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
