Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He shit in the fireplace
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
