The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
not ubering you a puppy
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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