Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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