So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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