you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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