i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
