i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
