someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
