there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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