my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
