I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
