You really coming over, don't trick.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
