I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
