i think my tv is drunk
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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