So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
