So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
