All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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