my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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