I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
