As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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